season 1 finale

my reservoir of feelings have been dammed.
i was a tad too late,
maybe i can't twist fate.
time for work to take precedence over life.
ace promos and feel comfortable.

mind reading

i wanna be a psychologist.
we cannot change the cards we've been dealt, but the way we play them

live even if you don't know why!

don't worry!
be happy!
don't regret anything that makes you happy!
live life without pressure!
eternal youth is all about that stress-free look!
be just the way you are!
fall in love!
fly to the moon!

contradanza

slowly eating into me. making me fed up.
F-ed up.
i can't do this anymore. i'm not a toy.
i need music.

silent rapture

i lose my pulse as she draws near, my presence pales before the aura of her beauty, and i go perfectly unnoticed. i experience the sweet temperamental lack of oxygen, and each moment is a breathless occasion in the making, a pendulum set in motion, slowly oscillating away the seconds i have left with her. there are so many words i have and want to say, but every single time i'll unwillingly preserve the silence instead. no measure of words can estimate the weight of the love i carry for her. perhaps i am so blinded by my emotions that my multi-sensory functions fail, my wits dull and a mambo jambo soundtrack plays in my head, rendering me with the social disability of a man in a mental jacket. i have motivation, there's incentive. i can casually smash a ball more than a hundred times in the court, but outside in the real field i have neither the balls nor energy to raise my hand for a simple wave .

stress

could it be my infatuation with her is just a result of academic pressure?
but when i gaze down those eyes, that deep passionate gleam, my entire body just turns into stone.
it's her fault that my heart has pumped ten years worth.
i'm beyond saturation.
or is it just stress. (i want to let out a resounding deafening silent scream that will bounce off the walls in shockwaves of pain)
i've made a mess outta myself. maybe i do wanna be messed up. maybe i enjoy undergoing that anti-societal-rebel feeling when i experience the consequences of my purposefully self-inflicted troublemaking against the norm. could that be what it takes to be human- to make mistakes intentionally at will; to err is human; therefore to live the perfect human life is to honour this contract; what i'm saying is that if my life were a mess, shouldn't i strive to make it the perfect mess? to tidy my disorganizational fear of making mistakes. to clean up the insecurity of rejection...

behind bars

if understatedjealousy was a crime, i should be apprehended, arrested, sent into prison, then charged with a fine which i can't pay, be declared bankrupt, and thus assured that i'll be safely spending the rest of my life behind bars. maybe that's what i need now. maybe i need to lock myself up. maybe temporal isolation's the way to go. i've had too much of a love mix, a moonstruck potion. an accidental drop of passion. a careless taint of naiveity. a spillover of languishing adolescent delusion.

i never would've thought that the happiest and most depressing times of nearly two decades of my insignificant life(so far) would coexist within the same dimension. and she's moving off in a direction completely unknown to me.
i need a summer holiday. i need a to bathe in soft sunlight and read a book with really long pages. i need to let go of my worries. i need time to sit for hours doing that. that'll stir me. that'll give me direction.

go away

word of caution to my faithful readers:
mentally brace yourself. this post might cause vexation, depression, anxiety, guilt whatsover(i may be exaggerating but just in case). prepare for a strong bout of mental torture. what you are about to read is very real.

maybe i'm not caring enough.
so that daoness part of me is actually the part of me that does not care and i show it.
i show that i don't care.
you know what?
maybe i really don't care.
maybe i've become so insecure from early life experiences i've taught myself to care for only one person.
myself.
how do you know i care about you?
maybe i just want to know what's going on for the sake of my own self benefit.

:) says:
fine
:) says:
should i go cut my wrist now
:) says:
and see how frazzled u will beocme?

right now i'm trying to convince myself that i am wrong by listening to you.
but in my heart, i know that i won't really care.
cos it'd be just " die then die lor "(if u die naturally not by cutting urself la) let him rest in peace his death can't be helped.
im emotionless.
i don't think i'll cry over that.

:) says:
cox u will never know whether u care abt something or someone
:) says:
HAHAHA
:) says:
gosh bleee
:) says:
ur not emotionless

i am so freaking screwed.
because i don't care.
it is a fake reality that i care for others. even in caring for others, i can only convince myself that i'm doing it for the greater good which is the reason why i'm caring. but then that's not really caring is it? take for example, i'm caring because i want him to be my friend - i'm not caring because he's my friend.

:) says:
i already said
:) says:
u wun know tt u care abt a person beforehand
:) says:
it just happens naturally
:) says:
like now
:) says:
i dun care abt anyone
:) says:
i can even visualise tt if u have died
:) says:
i wun cry
:) says:
but i know i will
:) says:
hahaha
:) says:
is like feelings cannot be stirred by just imgagination
:) says:
when the real thing happens
:) says:
den u will realise
:) says:
anyway blee if ur emotionless y would u like tt girl?

i THINK that.
if i cried, it would be because i didn't get the chance to care enough.
because i didn't care.
and when u're dead, isn't it too late to care?

:) says:
nope not too late
:) says:
haha
:) says:
if u cry when i die
:) says:
i will be damn happy hahaha

and tell me why the girl i like has such high aesthetic value?

:) says:
lol isnt tt good?
:) says:
hahaha

nice one.
but this still shows that i care more about the outside than inside.
and it's the inside that's important isn't it?
the type of care im referring to now is the inward caring type- more personal level.

:) says:
its always looks tt attract u
:) says:
den u get to know the character of a person
:) says:
blee dun think so much
:) says:
u care abt people
:) says:
tts for sure
:) says:
stop thinkning tt u cant

maybe the fact that i care so much about this matter just goes to show that i do care.
screw it. i'm going to bed.