great expectations

the feeling when people underestimate me because i give the impression that i didn't expect much from that specific something, is quite depressing. until i realised that it was true, so i don't actually care what other people think.
adversely, when i'm overly nice, people demand more from me, or so i feel, so expectations on me are higher. when they ask for help, could it be because they are trying to take advantage of me, or could it just mean i'm capable.
i assure myself in knowing that the lower i'm expected to perform, the less pressure i'll feel. yet i cannot take comfort in knowing that i'm not up to standard, because that'll be a suckerpunch of irony. the flaw is that i want to ace every aspect of my life. but i'm too cowardly, i'm suppressing myself because of the fear- of hurting myself, or that in being better than others, i humble their prowess. then again, how could i dare say something like this, it is far too arrogant for i have yet to prove myself. without being worthy, i shouldn't deserve the rights to my wants.

once smitten, twice shy.

okay.
i admit it.
i'm one of those shallow half-witted fellas who has fallen into the dangerous category of "don't you like her because she's so hot?". and maybe, i've fallen in love with her again. the samesamesamesamesame personnnnnnnn- how's that even possible?.. gosh, if mr. lu ming yao was reading this he'd probably say, impossible is not a fact, it's an opinion. impossible is not a declaration, it's a dare. impossible is potential, impossible is temporary. impossible is nothing. Right. what do i think? I think of the way she talks the way she walks the way she looks at me the way she's movin' me, and i think of a superficially impossible relationship between her and me, and i think that "impossible"s just a much cooler sounding substitute for improbable. subjective reality wise, the only sidewinding reason for me to be neatly typing out all these legible love words is for the due sake of saving it in a text document in the improbable 'possible' hope that i'll be reading my blog 50 years down the road, next to her. oh yeah, now's also the time to remember that i've just failed my chemistry paper and if i continue staring at my computer screen, i'll have one less h1 pass by the end of tomorrow.
it's in her eyes. so pretty makes me wanna cry.

a debt to pay

wow.

it's grandmother's birthday dinner, she's 86, and we're having table conversation. so the topic deviates to revolve around my brother's life. and my mom asks what he and i talk about in the same room we've shared for 12 years. all he could call to mind was, "oh, i tell him to switch on the aircon". for me too, it's not really talking but shouting to a half-dead semi-asleep body: "can you turn off your darn alarm clock?"

wow.
don't know why i've become so exam conscious these days, years. i think i must've 'woke up my idea' in sec 2 when i almost flunked everything. butthen again it's only mid years wth... yet there's this inner filial motivation that drives me to do well. for my parents. they've paid for my life education and tuition. if i'm not going to pay them back in hard cash, it has to be written off in good results. so let's see what tomorrow's gp compre and chinese prelim paper has to offer. bring it on baby.

time flies

wow.
time flies. it's disgusting, revolting. those black little insects with the much coveted aeronautical God-given ability. especially those fat ones with huge eyes that compound 360 degree vision. depressingly, time passes as fast as they can fly...

wow.
it's my last june holidays, but what have i been doing the past week?
i wake at 12pm, heavy lunch, minesweeper flags, eat cereal, nap till 7, dinner, study, eat cereal, study till 2am. and to think i've been wondering why i've been having pimple outbreaks. the stress. creased forehead. knitted eyebrows. i'm totally out of tune with nature. gosh. i've just realised, how many rainbows have i seen in my whole life?- i believe the actual numerical value is less than the number of years my life has spanned so far.

i've been talking in my sleep, praying tomorrow was yesterday.
life ain't what it seems, please baby tell me what it means.
you just came back from time travellin'; maybe the future's no such thing
time is my enemy; the hour's a tragedy; the seconds go by, so slowly.
well, time is a compromise; every minute's a sacrifice.

question of the day: "yeah, did we even know we had hols in june when we were in kindergarten?"

creative writing competition

In my dreams i'll hold you mighty tight
layin' awake wishing each hug lasted a fortnight
one destiny seeking you would be an impossibly needless dare, for
vixens like you are so very rare, baby
eclipse me with a mere flick of your hair.
Just gaze in my eyes and see your future
eat short gasps of my breath and lose tenure.
a sound of my voice to imagine a symphony
nestle your hand in mine to feel like royalty.
know you melt my senses with your soft soft cries
overwhelm my life and taste a drop of paradise,oh
hear my sighs shatter in an illusionary orb of lies.